Dec 06 2008
What to believe online
If you read this long letter you’ll notice a few things. That I’ve changed where she says my real name. dont really like to say my name on here. Also that theres alot of things people online will tell you. The question is, how do you decide what to believe and what not to believe. I would say believe about 60% of what people tell you. most of it will be true and will not be made up. There will be things that are exagerated or not mentioned because they are embarrasing for the person. So take most of what people tell you into account and compare it to what they will tell you in the future or have already told you. Over time you of you talking to that person alot or many people online you will root out if somebody is lying or not.
Hi ryuart: (This e-mail is so long it will take you 2 days to read - lol)
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> I was thinking about some of the things we had talked about over the past couple of days and there were some questions about my husband that you asked me, that I didn’t answer thoroughly. So in order to give you a bigger picture of what all has been going on I wanted to expound and answer some of the questions that you had.
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> The other night when my husband and I got in that fight, here’s what happened. He called letting me know that he was going to the bar to meet with one of his wholesalers for work. They meet and have beers about once a week. Anyhow, I told him that was fine but that I was tired and that it is much easier on me and the boys if he comes home first to see them, helps me get them ready for bed, and then he can go do whatever he wants until whatever time… He said, “I understand, but I’m just going to meet him now for a couple of beers and then I’ll be home.” Well, that was about 7:00 in the evening - which was no big deal. However, my boys were really tired and Jehryn hadn’t taken a nap all day, so I knew he would be ready to go to bed probably by 8:00 - 8:30 at the latest. At about 8:00 I called him and asked if he was still having beers and he said that he wasn’t, but that he was at our friend’s house helping him fix a lawnmower…. Well, I just lost it at that point because my
> kids see so little of him anyhow, and I was upset that he didn’t come home to see them and me first - and THEN after he saw us and helped me with them he could go help the friend. I again felt like we were just second-rate in his book, and that really hurt. So I told him that if this was the way things were going to be that I wanted a divorce, and I called him a selfish fucker over the phone and hung up on him. Then I called him back because I wanted him to understand why I was upset, and he hung up on me. He came on home and walked in the door and let loose on me - telling me, “How dare you say things like that to me?” So I told him, “How dare you put us last on your list–yet again–when you know they’re getting ready to go to bed and you would have so little time with them anyhow. You just chose to go help Wade with his lawnmower instead of coming home to see your family.” We talked about it and I told him how I felt we are just the last thing he thinks about. And it made
> him really angry at me. We had more words and ended up talking it out for the most part.
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>ryuart, he goes out to the bar at least once a week, usually twice a week, and about every 2-3 weeks he also goes to play poker at one of our friend’s houses. Those thing are fine and I know that he needs some “down” time away from us sometimes… But he always calls and says, “I’m gonna go to the bar and have a few drinks with ________.” He never calls and says, “Hey, why don’t you get a sitter and I’ll take you out to dinner, or we’ll go to a movie.” or anything like that… He’s just always making plans to do stuff by himself. He very rarely takes me and the kids anyplace all together because the last time we went to a nice restaurant with the kids, Jentry cried and fussed the whole time and it embarrassed my husband. He felt that there were people there paying a lot of money for a nice meal and they didn’t want to hear our fussing kids… So when we left that restaurant that night and got in the car, he said, “Never again…I will never take us all out to a nice restaurant
> like that again until the kids are older.” So now, when we go out as a family (which is hardly ever) we go to a little cafe or McDonalds, or something like that… He and I go somewhere together about 1 time a month…if that. And moreover, the last time I met him for lunch, he got 5 phone calls from the dealership while we were eating and scarfed down his food and left me there alone b/c they needed him back at work. Additionally, unless we are out of town, EVERY day off he gets (except Sundays b/c they are closed most Sundays - just open for special sales on Sundays) he leaves for at least 1/2 of the day and goes in to work… That’s time that he has scheduled off, and I think he should spend it with his family, but he thinks that place won’t run if he’s not there.
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> That’s why I get upset about our relationship. I know he loves me and the kids, and I truly have no doubt about that. He does tell me every day that he loves me, usually several times a day, whenever we talk on the phone he says it before we hang up, and usually at night after he comes in and gets settled he’ll hug me and tell me he loves me… But those are words, and that’s just not enough sometimes. Like I said before, I’ll never leave him-he feels that since he works so hard and provides so well for us, he’s showing us he loves us… and in a way that’s true. But we need some of his time, too and we rarely get that.
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> Moreover, although he goes to the bar once or twice a week, I’m not allowed to go to the bar or hardly anywhere unless he goes with me. I can go to the grocery store and school, get a haircut, etc… but I’ve wanted to go to the bar before with some friends and he gets so upset that it just isn’t worth it. I used to be REALLY wild in my past, and he knows about all that stuff that I did because I told him. I wanted him to know ME and know what I’d been through in my life–good and bad–before we actually committed to being together for the rest of our lives. Well, he judges me on that person I used to be. This is going to sound weird, but I was nearly chain-gang-banged (whatever you call it) by the Chippendale male dances when they came to town about four years ago. During the show, I sat at the edge of the dance floor and they were all really paying me a lot of attention, (without me paying them for it…lol) - Myself and several other people went to their hotel room for an
> after party and I was the first woman in the door. They handed me a glass of champagne and I’d already been drinking - so I took it and started to drink it… About 20 minutes later I was passed out cold on their bed. I could hear everything going on around me, but I couldn’t move… They had put something, I think it was that date-rape drug, in my champagne. I was really scared because I would try to open my eyes and I couldn’t…all I could do was just lay there. Then after a while people started leaving and everyone left except for one girl. I didn’t even know her but I could hear them arguing with her to get out of their rooms. She said she wasn’t going to leave me alone with them like that and they were getting upset. I could feel their hands all over my body, they were grabbing my crotch and ass, trying to pull my jeans off and all sorts of stuff, but I coudn’t do anything about it. LUCKILY, because I went to the karaoke bar so much at that point, many of the people
> who had been at the party knew me and some of them went back to the bar and told the bartenders what happened to me. They came and showed up at the door and got me out of there….THANK GOD. If that girl hadn’t stayed and the bartenders hadn’t shown up, those guys could have just passed me around, and who knows what would have happened to me. Well, that’s not the only episode like that…there were other’s where people spiked my drink or slipped me something - so my husband feels like I make poor decisions when I’m out at the bar. So he judges me on stuff that happened in my past, although I’m not the same person and I am MUCH more careful now. We live and learn through our experiences, and so now I don’t accept drinks from people I don’t know, and I’m very careful if I go to sing, I’ll take my drink with me and sit it up where I can see it…you know, stuff like that. But he’s afraid something will happen to me for real if I go by myself. So I don’t ever get to go…
> When I say by myself, I mean with friends but without him…not just by myself, all alone. So since we’ve been together, I’ve been to the bar 2 times with friends, but without him–in 3 years. Yet he goes 1-2 times a week…and a lot more in the summer actually.
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> So you see, ryuart, (I’m sorry this has taken so long to write and for you to read) but there’s a lot there that you don’t understand about our history… So when you ask me how can I love you both, please understand that you give me a part of “me” back…where I feel special and good about who I am and what I do. I love you so much for that…and for you making so much time to spend with me. In my mind, you make me a priority in your life…you look for me and seek me out…and tell me special things and make love with me. You give me the things I want to have in a relationship - and I love you for that.
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> Yet he’s my husband, the father of my kids, and our provider…so I love him too.
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> I hope this makes some sense, and that it clears up some questions about why I can love him and you too… and I hope you understand now why I feel second-rate to everything else around him… His work is his priority, his friends are about neck-and-neck with me and the kids, and they get some of his time that I think should be spent at home with his family. I’ve learned long ago that I can’t change anyone except for myself, so I made up my mind for the most part that I wouldn’t fight with him anymore about his going to the bar. That’s not a battle I’m willing to fight anymore…we’ve had plenty of fights over that… We don’t fight about anything else, hardly ever do we have a fight. So I decided to try and eliminate that stress too by changing my attitude about it and being resigned to the face that he’s going to go, no matter how much I ask him not to, no matter how much I cry about it, no matter what I say, do or feel about it….he’s going to go - so I live with that….
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> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this… It means a lot to me that you care so much…and I just want to say one more time how sorry I am about what happened in the chat…. I don’t want to hurt you and I won’t ever do that again - not even joking…ok? I’ll try to check this afternoon to see if you’re on, but I won’t be able to be on tonight (unless it’s really late, maybe) but I doubt it. Take care ryuart and know that I’ll be thinking of you.
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> Sincerely yours,
> Tammy April, 3, 2004
